Sometimes You Have To Sacrifice

I never realized it as a child, but my parents gave me so many opportunities to explore who I was and what I enjoyed. If I said I liked riding bikes, they made sure I had a bike to ride. If I said I wanted to learn how to play the trumpet like my dad, they bought be a trumpet. Sometimes I felt as though they were forcing these things on me, but it's not until now, some 20 years later, that I realize what their intentions really were.

Cut to present day, I finished work this evening, cracked open a beer and picked up the guitar. I needed a little R&R. I eventually went back to Don McClean's American Pie. It's such a great song, and not that hard to play, it just takes some practice. I used to be able to play and sing the whole song, but its been some time. I really haven't had time to play the guitar at all recently. My fingers started to get sore and my beer began to get a bit...empty. As much as I wanted to bring that song back into my repertoire I thought, "eh, my fingers kinda hurt. I'll just stop for the night." That's when it hit me.

That moment when I was about to give up on re-learning American Pie on the guitar was, I realized, the line between good and great. I have to give a lot of credit to my parents and the way they raised me. I was a smart kid, at least in school. Things came very easy for me. I just did the assignments I was supposed to and I passed with flying colors. College wasn't so easy, at least not into the third and fourth years. I didn't understand what it meant to sacrifice something in order to achieve what I really wanted.

OK, one last tangent to pull it all together. I know it's a common saying, but there is a scene in an episode of the television show Scrubs where Dr. Kelso comes barging into the room of a young, overweight patient who has chosen surgery over dieting and exercise to lose weight. He explains to her that nothing in life worth having comes easy. I don't know why, but that stuck with me.

I think back to the last few years, where I stayed home a lot of weekends because I didn't have any extra money to spend on fun. I needed to work. I took jobs that I knew were below me. I didn't date because, seriously, who wanted to date a broke guy who could barely pay rent. The feeling of sitting at home on a Friday night and imagining that everyone else is out enjoying the weekend after working hard all week while you sit alone on a couch watching TV is painful. I realized what it meant to sacrifice something to get what I really wanted.

I wanted to be out of that apartment, out of financial constraints and to be able to live my life on my terms. It wasn't going to happen by itself. I had to give up a social life and the comfort of working reliable/respectable jobs to make it work. But I did it. I own a home. I have a job where I make enough money to provide for myself and then a little on the site. I have my life back.

Which brings me to my original point. I was giving up on learning a song on the guitar because it got too hard. My fingers hurt. I understand now that if I ever want to be great at the guitar, I need to sacrifice something to get there. It's not going to come on its own while I bow out to a sore finger. If I ever want to play in front of a crowd, I'm going to have to forfeit something in the way of life I'm living now in order to work to achieve it. And then about my parents, who gave me every opportunity I could imagine. When I got upset and though they were pushing me into something because they wanted to live through me, they weren't. They were trying to teach me that nothing in life worth having comes easy. If you always do what's expected of you, you will be mediocre. If you strive beyond expectations, you will be great.

I had a professor in my freshmen year of college who told me that I was the kind of person who would be good at everything, but great at nothing. Normally that would be insulting, but I had already come to that conclusion myself. He read me in one semester what it took me 18 years to figure out. He was right. I loved trying everything up to the point where it became difficult.

I leave you with these two ideas. These words of advice.

1. Choose something enjoyable that you want to do with your life and figure out what it would take to get there. Figure out what you would have to sacrifice to make that dream come true.

2. Remember this: change is like a cut. It stings at first, but eventually it heals and you forget all about it, but the scar will remind you where you came from.

Thanks for listening.

The Back Seat

I awoke this morning in the back seat of my Jeep. I was not alone. There are two very important facts to realize in this scenario. One, this morning refers to a time just after midnight. Two, I was inside my garage when I awoke. Three, My girlfriend was in the back seat next to me. And yet I feel I need to clarify further.

That night, a Tuesday night, I went from business meeting to bowling alone to grocery shopping to cowering in the back of my jeep alone in the matter of an hour. Why? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

To answer my own question...I have no fucking idea.

When my girlfriend found me, shortly before reporting me as a missing person, she asked many questions similar to that one, as one would. Why are you here? How long have you been here? Why didn't you answer your phone? What would cause you to do this?

Well, I don't fuckin' know.

Sleeping in my car, the one place I have sanctity, where I can have thoughts to myself, seemed like a fantastic idea at the time.

When she finally found me (she, for her own anonymity) I was a mess. I didn't want to associate with anyone, even myself. There were groceries on the kitchen counter that I'd just brought in from the car. Maybe that was it. In the back seat of my car there was no responsibility. It was just me.

That whole argument is mute.

Have you ever, in all your years, found anything that simply made the rest of your life not worth living? I realize this sounds very bad at first, but think of it in a positive way. Have you ever encountered anything that, when you think about it, everything else in life fades into the background? That's love.

When I was wallowing in the back seat of my Jeep last night, she found me, mere seconds before she was about to leave for the night. But she stayed, and my eyes are growing misty again just writing this.

As much as I thought I wanted time to myself or...well..for god's sake who knows what I wanted. I was sleeping in the back of my car while it was in my garage. She asked the questions that really made me think.

Where was I tonight?
Who was I with?
How much did I drink?
Why am I alone?
Do I like being alone?
How do I feel about stranding someone I love?
Will they forgive me?
How many times will they forgive me before they give up on me?
Should they consider me at all?
What do I have to offer?
How can I expect to maintain a household and have a relationship at the same time?
What if I get fired?
What if I quit?
Will she stay with me if I am unemployed?
What will I do with my time if I'm not making money?

Sometimes emotions simply take control and lock you in the back seat of your jeep.

Good to Go

"...and if this is as good as it gets, man I think I'm good to go."

Jason Aldean - Good To Go

When I got home today, I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of tear-drenched tissues. I can't remember the last time I cried this much. It might have been when I left my friends in Phoenix to move back to Denver. It might have been when I left home to move to Phoenix. It was probably when I attended the services for my friends Eric and Keith when they died in a plane crash 10 years ago. All of these events involved people. People who I knew well and about whom I cared deeply. That's why I am confused right now. I just finished saying goodbye to someone I might have met just a handful of times in my life, yet for some reason I've been unable to control myself all day.

If you've ever met me then you know I am an emotional person. I take a lot of things to heart and do everything with passion. I love my family and would do anything for them at the drop of a dime. Maybe it's this that is causing me to blubber like an idiot. I may not have known Alex, but I do know his older brother and sister, Adam and Gianna. I know that my brother, Matt, was good friends with Alex and my youngest brother Tim is friends with his younger sister, Gloria. I also know that they are and were all good people and well known and liked in the community. Maybe that's why I can't stop crying; because he meant so much to so many people and it hurts me to think of how much pain everyone I care about is feeling.

To wallow is to self destruct. To remember and appreciate is to grow and strengthen. Until last week, all I'd known about Alex was from intermittent stories that Matt would tell and what I remember watching on the soccer field. They were sparse memories. What I learned over the last week and especially the last day is something great. At a funeral service, people celebrate the good things in a person's life and generally leave out the bad. I have a feeling that given the time, today’s service could have lasted for days or weeks. Alex was truly a great person with an amazing manner for grasping life. He had a fantastic list of accomplishments and always put others before himself.

While driving with the motorcade to the cemetery, I was listening to Jason Aldean's song "Good to Go" and I really began to think about my own life. I began to realize the fragility of it all and how you get one chance to do it but no one tells you when your turn is over. It could be today, it could be next week, it could be 60 years from now. I thought about this and I started to wonder, is this as good as it gets, and am I really good to go?

I've always wanted to do something that would make an impact. To leave this world in a better condition than I found it. To not waste my time here living just for me. For the longest time I thought that required something of great magnitude. I'll spend all my free time with under-privileged children. I'll create a free internet structure for educational institutions to improve learning. I'll do something great and make everybody proud. Today, after witnessing the sheer number of people who came to say goodbye to this 25 year old man, and hearing all about his life and how he touched people, my realizations changed. I left something behind years ago.

Somewhere along the line I decided that to be great, you had to do something great. While Alex did many great things, including serving our country in the armed forces, above all he simply was someone great. It was his personality, his will, his compassion that gave him the ability to do great things. Not the other way around.

Alex, I wish I had the privilege to know you better. I don't, but what I do have are stories about the crazy, incredible and selfless things you did while you were here, and immense compassion for those you are leaving behind. I'm glad I got to know about you, at least a little. You’ve opened my eyes and changed my perspective on life. I'll make sure when my time comes, I'll be good to go.


Thanks for listening.

Don't take it for Granted

I welcomed the decade driving 13 hours to Phoenix for a week-long vacation visiting friends. I left Denver the evening of January 1st and drove through the night, making it nearly to the Arizona border by sunrise on the 2nd. Here’s a little tip for anyone driving to Phoenix. If you pass through Springerville, AZ, go the damn speed limit! I’ve been caught there twice by cops running radar while driving and passing me going the opposite direction.

I spent the next 8 days driving around the valley of the sun, visiting old friends, reliving lots of old memories, exploring parts of the valley that I hadn’t explored during my 7 year tenure, and moreover, just enjoying some time away from a desk.

So what’s the point of all this? I’m finding it easy to allow the tone of this post to slip into one of a braggart and that is definitely no the way I would like it to go. The point of this post is express some gratitude and maybe to remind some people that the phrase “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” is absolutely true.

On the second or third day of my trip, my good friend Dave, who was kindly putting me up, and I visited the old restaurant that we worked at years ago, NYPD Pizza. If you have the opportunity, go there. The food is still amazing. That morning Dave found out he’d have to move to Dallas for work, so after reminiscing over some Garlic Knots and a slice of Brooklyn Family pizza, we drove around to all the old places we used to live and work. The old Blockbusters, our first apartments, the house with the pool where we threw so many parties. It was a very nostalgic day. I think that’s when it hit me strongest. We were sitting in the car in front of that house and I put on The Ataris’ album, So Long Astoria. I must have had this album on repeat the whole year I live there. As soon as it started playing the memories came rushing back. Kegs on the roof, first kisses, a band in the kitchen and limousines in the driveway on New Years. I almost had to hold back a few tears. I had such great times at that house and I knew they could never be repeated. I’m not sure I truly understood that at the time.

Throughout the week I visited more friends and received such emotional greetings, I began to feel somewhat overwhelmed. I finally climbed Camelback Mountain and got to drive a brand-spanking-new Porsche Panamera S. After stepping away for a few years then tossing myself back into my old life, I realized how much I was appreciated and what kind of an impact I really had on people. I’m not sure I ever really realized this while I was living it. I can’t think of any other words for it except that it is very validating. You really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Don’t take those times for granted.

The week culminated with the WAKA staff conference partying like true kickballers do, tearing up the snotty Scottsdale bars. We ran into Mario Lopez and Jaleel While (Steve Urkel) the first night. What else would you expect in Scottsdale? It was truly great to see everyone I used to work and play with again and I am grateful to be continually welcomed into that family.

To sum it all up, if you are still reading this, take a good look around you and take stock of what and who it is that makes up your life. Don’t take them for granted, because once they’re gone, you may never have the chance to get them back.

To all the people who made my trip, and my life, so special, I thank you! Dave, Lacey, Berto, Shawn, Brandon, Shannon, Ian, Amy, Jose, James, Katie, Dave and Desi, Heather, Rich, Jordan, Shana, Mark, Kim, Johnny, Jimmy, David, Aaron, Matt, Kristen, Kelly, Sarah, Melissa, Suzanne, and others I am sure I am missing. Thank you so much for being my friends and reminding me that I was more than just a slice-slinger.

The Grinch

To all those who spent time with me over the last few months, I’m sorry. I’ve been rude, frustrating, dramatic, depressing, angering and absent. I made some bad decisions that, at the time, I knew were bad decisions. I also made some decisions that turned out to be bad when I thought they were good. In the end, I lost control of my foundation. Here’s the story.

I was raised to treat others with respect; that a true friend would drop anything to help you; to be kind, courteous and polite; to share; and that every good deed deserves a good one in return. I think these are strong values and I am proud of who my parents raised me to be. I try to hold myself to these standards as much as I can, and often times it comes back to me. The times it doesn’t, however, can be painful, destructive and demoralizing.

Since I moved back to Colorado two and a half years ago, I have worked my ass off to build a life for myself. To put a structure in place that would allow me to get out of debt, to afford some nicer things, to earn a social life and to make myself, my friends and most importantly, my parents proud. I grew to realize what kind of sacrifice it took to achieve the things I really wanted, and that if I did it intelligently, I could achieve that goal of independence I’d dreamt of.

2009 quickly became a very promising year. I settled in to a great job, started my own web development business, began to put together a plan to get out of debt and was paying off large chunks, bought a home, started dating and was on track to be able to treat my family to a great holiday, something that in recent years we’d not enjoyed like those before. It took a lot of work to get this far, it destroyed at least one relationship had its hiccups, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. Then a friend asked me for help and the pillars began to shake.

In late October a friend came to me and asked if my associate and I could help him out. I’d known him for a while and someone I thought I could trust. My associate and I explained to him what it would take to do what he was asking and the sacrifices we’d have to make. We worked out the details and, as friends do, took each others’ word. My associate and I completed out part of the deal by the deadline. Needless to say, he still has not held up on his. Without going into too much detail, as some of these details are still working themselves out, he flat out broke me for Thanksgiving, Christmas and now my vacation might be in jeopardy. Maybe I’m an idiot for putting everything I had into a deal to help a friend without a binding contract attached. I’d like to think that when I make a deal with a friend and tell them that I’m giving them my Christmas money and I need to get it back before Christmas and they promise to do so, that I can trust them to deliver more than empty promises.

So, if you really want to know how to destroy my self esteem and send me into a depressive spiral, here’s the recipe: be my friend, ask me for a favor and take everything that I’ve busted my ass to achieve, lie about giving it back, turn me into a liar by forcing me to defend you to my associates, constantly schedule and cancel meetings to screw with my already packed schedule, and take away from me the respect I had worked so damn hard to earn for myself and from my family and friends. There you go, that’s all it takes.

That all being said, there were some other hailstones in that shit storm that kept knocking me down. All sort of trivial when it comes down to it, but frustrating and expensive nonetheless. Throughout this ordeal I met some great people who I am somewhat surprised are still talking to me after all the drama and bullshit I threw on the table. I made some really bad decisions and I’m lucky the consequences weren’t worse. Now that I’ve emerged on the other side of Christmas and there is nothing I can do to change what happened, all I can do is look forward and try to keep it from happening again. I do feel much stronger now that it is passed, but I also feel like I’ve lost a lot of faith in people.

If you are still reading, thanks. This post was really more of a venting session than an inquisitive look into my life. I’ll save that for my vacation next week. So there’s the reason I’ve been a Grinch this year. I hate myself for it and I’m grateful for all the people in my life that were there when I needed them. I guess the moral here is to be sure you know who your true friends are.

Thanks for listening.