The Grinch

To all those who spent time with me over the last few months, I’m sorry. I’ve been rude, frustrating, dramatic, depressing, angering and absent. I made some bad decisions that, at the time, I knew were bad decisions. I also made some decisions that turned out to be bad when I thought they were good. In the end, I lost control of my foundation. Here’s the story.

I was raised to treat others with respect; that a true friend would drop anything to help you; to be kind, courteous and polite; to share; and that every good deed deserves a good one in return. I think these are strong values and I am proud of who my parents raised me to be. I try to hold myself to these standards as much as I can, and often times it comes back to me. The times it doesn’t, however, can be painful, destructive and demoralizing.

Since I moved back to Colorado two and a half years ago, I have worked my ass off to build a life for myself. To put a structure in place that would allow me to get out of debt, to afford some nicer things, to earn a social life and to make myself, my friends and most importantly, my parents proud. I grew to realize what kind of sacrifice it took to achieve the things I really wanted, and that if I did it intelligently, I could achieve that goal of independence I’d dreamt of.

2009 quickly became a very promising year. I settled in to a great job, started my own web development business, began to put together a plan to get out of debt and was paying off large chunks, bought a home, started dating and was on track to be able to treat my family to a great holiday, something that in recent years we’d not enjoyed like those before. It took a lot of work to get this far, it destroyed at least one relationship had its hiccups, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. Then a friend asked me for help and the pillars began to shake.

In late October a friend came to me and asked if my associate and I could help him out. I’d known him for a while and someone I thought I could trust. My associate and I explained to him what it would take to do what he was asking and the sacrifices we’d have to make. We worked out the details and, as friends do, took each others’ word. My associate and I completed out part of the deal by the deadline. Needless to say, he still has not held up on his. Without going into too much detail, as some of these details are still working themselves out, he flat out broke me for Thanksgiving, Christmas and now my vacation might be in jeopardy. Maybe I’m an idiot for putting everything I had into a deal to help a friend without a binding contract attached. I’d like to think that when I make a deal with a friend and tell them that I’m giving them my Christmas money and I need to get it back before Christmas and they promise to do so, that I can trust them to deliver more than empty promises.

So, if you really want to know how to destroy my self esteem and send me into a depressive spiral, here’s the recipe: be my friend, ask me for a favor and take everything that I’ve busted my ass to achieve, lie about giving it back, turn me into a liar by forcing me to defend you to my associates, constantly schedule and cancel meetings to screw with my already packed schedule, and take away from me the respect I had worked so damn hard to earn for myself and from my family and friends. There you go, that’s all it takes.

That all being said, there were some other hailstones in that shit storm that kept knocking me down. All sort of trivial when it comes down to it, but frustrating and expensive nonetheless. Throughout this ordeal I met some great people who I am somewhat surprised are still talking to me after all the drama and bullshit I threw on the table. I made some really bad decisions and I’m lucky the consequences weren’t worse. Now that I’ve emerged on the other side of Christmas and there is nothing I can do to change what happened, all I can do is look forward and try to keep it from happening again. I do feel much stronger now that it is passed, but I also feel like I’ve lost a lot of faith in people.

If you are still reading, thanks. This post was really more of a venting session than an inquisitive look into my life. I’ll save that for my vacation next week. So there’s the reason I’ve been a Grinch this year. I hate myself for it and I’m grateful for all the people in my life that were there when I needed them. I guess the moral here is to be sure you know who your true friends are.

Thanks for listening.