The Back Seat

I awoke this morning in the back seat of my Jeep. I was not alone. There are two very important facts to realize in this scenario. One, this morning refers to a time just after midnight. Two, I was inside my garage when I awoke. Three, My girlfriend was in the back seat next to me. And yet I feel I need to clarify further.

That night, a Tuesday night, I went from business meeting to bowling alone to grocery shopping to cowering in the back of my jeep alone in the matter of an hour. Why? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

To answer my own question...I have no fucking idea.

When my girlfriend found me, shortly before reporting me as a missing person, she asked many questions similar to that one, as one would. Why are you here? How long have you been here? Why didn't you answer your phone? What would cause you to do this?

Well, I don't fuckin' know.

Sleeping in my car, the one place I have sanctity, where I can have thoughts to myself, seemed like a fantastic idea at the time.

When she finally found me (she, for her own anonymity) I was a mess. I didn't want to associate with anyone, even myself. There were groceries on the kitchen counter that I'd just brought in from the car. Maybe that was it. In the back seat of my car there was no responsibility. It was just me.

That whole argument is mute.

Have you ever, in all your years, found anything that simply made the rest of your life not worth living? I realize this sounds very bad at first, but think of it in a positive way. Have you ever encountered anything that, when you think about it, everything else in life fades into the background? That's love.

When I was wallowing in the back seat of my Jeep last night, she found me, mere seconds before she was about to leave for the night. But she stayed, and my eyes are growing misty again just writing this.

As much as I thought I wanted time to myself or...well..for god's sake who knows what I wanted. I was sleeping in the back of my car while it was in my garage. She asked the questions that really made me think.

Where was I tonight?
Who was I with?
How much did I drink?
Why am I alone?
Do I like being alone?
How do I feel about stranding someone I love?
Will they forgive me?
How many times will they forgive me before they give up on me?
Should they consider me at all?
What do I have to offer?
How can I expect to maintain a household and have a relationship at the same time?
What if I get fired?
What if I quit?
Will she stay with me if I am unemployed?
What will I do with my time if I'm not making money?

Sometimes emotions simply take control and lock you in the back seat of your jeep.